laissez faire

it doesn't really feel like christmas. there's buckets of drunk snow on the ground. limp tree branches wet and tired. i didn't want christmas anyway. not the same, something different.

how long can i sit and wait?
i was tired of being with you.
now i'm tired of being alone.
i wanted to hide,
now i miss you.

i'm in a house that's not my home.
stranded, but not cold.
safe, but unmotivated.

i thought i wouldn't care but i do.

i thought christmas would be canceled because of the inclement weather. i was anticipating more snow and less travel. how could you have less travel than none?

now mother is ill
she will spend the day in the hospital. the family will be scattered even more.

i dream of the days when holidays meant together, but i think it really only was a dream.
were we ever really together?

to love and be loved...

consternation

"hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." --proverbs 13:12



don't stand so close to me

i'm reading an oddly awesome beautiful strange book called, and i do have a hard time remembering the title, 'extremely loud & incredibly close'
he writes like i want to and there are pictures and blank pages and it feels like the inside of my head at times. which can be a little disconcerting.
but.
i.
kind.
of.
like.
it.
sooooo.... there was a sentence that i stole from it. because this seems to be the theme for the last few years, no, pretty much my whole life. this is what i'm trying to learn...
'you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness'

and as much as i think i'm trying not to protect myself i am still protecting myself with a fierceness that defies all true love and lovingness.

sometimes i feel so on the edge of letting go, but then i don't want to fall apart. i use the excuse that i don't know the right thing to do, but that's just an excuse. so what if i make a mistake, it's not the end of the world, right? it might do me some good! exclamation point taken.

posty mcposterson

gads,
i have nothing to say. it's been like this all day. awkward.
ness.
nothing.
ness.
i guess i'll go back to the pro tools session i was working on.
for now.
so long.

Risk

By Ten Shekel Shirt

It all began with a risk...
Cause Your desire is for this

To be loved and to love
it's what everything is all about

I'm allowed to live to make the Maker smile
I vow to give the best years of my life

Life's meant to be like a kiss
Cause intimacy is bliss

To be loved and to love
it's what everything is all about

jesus time

"Prayer allows a place for me to bring my doubts and complaints--in sum, my ignorance--and subject them to the blinding light of a reality I cannot comprehend but can haltingly learn to trust. Prayer is personal, and my doubts take on a different cast as I get to know the Person to whom I bring them."

-- I can't remember where I read this, but it's oh so good.

realization

i graduate in nine weeks.
i'm scurrrrr d...

sans culottes

sans heart
sans love
sans dreams

sans hope?

there was a straining and pulling of the will
the impossible happened
it didn't work out as planned

alone, still alone

moved on
no explanations
no goodbye

just alone, still alone

was it just recreation
or merely sublimation
lose the will to die

alone, still alone

too late

i can't make up for lost blogs...
i've done a lot and seen a lot since last year. i don't know where to start.
we stayed at a sketchy motel in tijuana that would make a good horror film set. i worked on a couple of tv shows and an indie feature film, ndymovie.com
shot some stuff. finishing up my senior thesis film. graduating in september. missing my niece because i never spend time with anyone anymore.
missing camping and rafting and hiking. we have a whole month off school this summer. i'm going to cram in as much outside goodness as i can. come with me!
still a procrastinator. panicking at the last minute.
i finally had to watch pulp fiction - i had to analyze it for 'aesthetics in the digital realm' class. metacinema, neo noir, blah blah blah. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.
having roommate troubles, always. is it me?
tired of going to church. i'm thinking about trying imago again.
i need to pray. i feel like it's too late. still procrastinating. afraid of losing it. i know i have nothing worth holding onto anyway. why do we love our filth? i just want to be left alone, numb and useless. but not really. i just want to love and be loved. but it's too hard.