gone

explosive
corrosive
volatile

everything is wrong

nothing fits
too big, too small
can't get it right
it hurts to hold on, i'm oh so broken
ready for the fall, but i can't let go
it's time, oh lord it's time

stop

stop stopping
taking two steps forward
then disappearing

i know you don't know what i mean
and i'm sorry.
and i miss you when you're not around.

and i wish things were oh so different,
but then maybe they'd be worse instead of better

i don't know what to do besides wait
tired.
oh.
so.
tired and scared.

please come find me
and tell me that i'm wrong

that you do care
that you miss me too.
that...

i want to want to forget.
i want to want to stop
but i don't

stop.

troubles

ha!
i caught you
looking
now stay here with me.

time flies whether you're having fun or not...

it's been a while o blog of mine.

i feel like we're strangers now. should i skip the small talk, or do i need to break the ice?

lauryn hill says 'i used to love him, now i don't' and i bet the next day she loved him again.

i don't believe i'm the only one like that. i'm really happy for you, but when's it my turn?

i know i'm not worthy. i'm a paradox. i'm too emotional. i'm not.

i imagine a life. when will i live it?

i'm afraid of you

i'm afraid of what you could do to me

if i let you

i can't stay away

but i want to except for

when i don't

laissez faire

it doesn't really feel like christmas. there's buckets of drunk snow on the ground. limp tree branches wet and tired. i didn't want christmas anyway. not the same, something different.

how long can i sit and wait?
i was tired of being with you.
now i'm tired of being alone.
i wanted to hide,
now i miss you.

i'm in a house that's not my home.
stranded, but not cold.
safe, but unmotivated.

i thought i wouldn't care but i do.

i thought christmas would be canceled because of the inclement weather. i was anticipating more snow and less travel. how could you have less travel than none?

now mother is ill
she will spend the day in the hospital. the family will be scattered even more.

i dream of the days when holidays meant together, but i think it really only was a dream.
were we ever really together?

to love and be loved...

consternation

"hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life." --proverbs 13:12



don't stand so close to me

i'm reading an oddly awesome beautiful strange book called, and i do have a hard time remembering the title, 'extremely loud & incredibly close'
he writes like i want to and there are pictures and blank pages and it feels like the inside of my head at times. which can be a little disconcerting.
but.
i.
kind.
of.
like.
it.
sooooo.... there was a sentence that i stole from it. because this seems to be the theme for the last few years, no, pretty much my whole life. this is what i'm trying to learn...
'you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness'

and as much as i think i'm trying not to protect myself i am still protecting myself with a fierceness that defies all true love and lovingness.

sometimes i feel so on the edge of letting go, but then i don't want to fall apart. i use the excuse that i don't know the right thing to do, but that's just an excuse. so what if i make a mistake, it's not the end of the world, right? it might do me some good! exclamation point taken.

posty mcposterson

gads,
i have nothing to say. it's been like this all day. awkward.
ness.
nothing.
ness.
i guess i'll go back to the pro tools session i was working on.
for now.
so long.

Risk

By Ten Shekel Shirt

It all began with a risk...
Cause Your desire is for this

To be loved and to love
it's what everything is all about

I'm allowed to live to make the Maker smile
I vow to give the best years of my life

Life's meant to be like a kiss
Cause intimacy is bliss

To be loved and to love
it's what everything is all about

jesus time

"Prayer allows a place for me to bring my doubts and complaints--in sum, my ignorance--and subject them to the blinding light of a reality I cannot comprehend but can haltingly learn to trust. Prayer is personal, and my doubts take on a different cast as I get to know the Person to whom I bring them."

-- I can't remember where I read this, but it's oh so good.

realization

i graduate in nine weeks.
i'm scurrrrr d...

sans culottes

sans heart
sans love
sans dreams

sans hope?

there was a straining and pulling of the will
the impossible happened
it didn't work out as planned

alone, still alone

moved on
no explanations
no goodbye

just alone, still alone

was it just recreation
or merely sublimation
lose the will to die

alone, still alone

too late

i can't make up for lost blogs...
i've done a lot and seen a lot since last year. i don't know where to start.
we stayed at a sketchy motel in tijuana that would make a good horror film set. i worked on a couple of tv shows and an indie feature film, ndymovie.com
shot some stuff. finishing up my senior thesis film. graduating in september. missing my niece because i never spend time with anyone anymore.
missing camping and rafting and hiking. we have a whole month off school this summer. i'm going to cram in as much outside goodness as i can. come with me!
still a procrastinator. panicking at the last minute.
i finally had to watch pulp fiction - i had to analyze it for 'aesthetics in the digital realm' class. metacinema, neo noir, blah blah blah. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.
having roommate troubles, always. is it me?
tired of going to church. i'm thinking about trying imago again.
i need to pray. i feel like it's too late. still procrastinating. afraid of losing it. i know i have nothing worth holding onto anyway. why do we love our filth? i just want to be left alone, numb and useless. but not really. i just want to love and be loved. but it's too hard.

forcible compensation

i don't know what that means. i just know i hate being forced to write. i hate having to write. and people giving me due dates and it has to... i'm tired of thinking about it. i am tired of being a procrastinator. i'm tired of being tired and sad.

i want to quit everything - again. maybe it wouldn't be so bad if i felt like someone actually cared about me or what i do or don't do. i know i hide myself away, but i can't take anymore rejection. sometimes i wish i would just offer myself up as a sacrifice to be discarded to see if i could handle it or what would become of me.

i play the victim all too often. poor pitiful nothing.

i know the truth and i hide from it. if i don't look up maybe it won't see me. i'm afraid. i want to feel safe. somewhere. i'll hide under my covers and burrow my face in my pillows, but maybe there's spiders in there.

my head hurts from scrunching up my face. from trying not to cry. from crying. from wishing there was some human connection and not just desperate techno ramblings and searching for validation on the world wide web.

i sigh. heavily. and tell myself to get back to work. that is all i have for now. and the beastie boys in sounds from way out.

insouciance

i don't really have anything to say. i'm just trying to avoid editing the smithee project.
i need to go charge my phone and take my laundry over to heather's. maybe someday we will be able to do laundry at home. but not yet. we have a new roommate moving in, but i haven't seen her yet. i mean since she got a key and stuff. we'll need to have game night soon. maybe spring break?

this is the freaking boringest blog ever.
sorry.

N.E.R.D.

doesn't stand for anything. i was just trying to be a cool nerd... i like oxymorons. except when they are principled in an unprincipled manner. mostly i blog on myspace. why? because people refuse to use my email and send me messages on that blasted addicting site that i try to stay off of. but then someone sends me a message and i have to see what it is.
soooo i got all "a"'s this term... my art history teacher recommended that i become an art history tutor. i don't know what i would do. hit them on the head with the 12 pound textbook and say remember this!? i did get an a- in digi doc, but if i got a 4.0 what would i have to look forward to?

mouse hand

i'm pretty sure my hand will either fall off or become bionic. i'm getting mouse hand. i'm not as smart as erik and his wacom tablet use.
spring break started today at 9am. word!
now i just have to edit two weddings and find a place to live. and my brother came home from iraq today, but i won't see him till saturday.
senior shorts were tonight. and erik's music video...kudos.
there were a few things that i enjoyed.
i might make it out of last term with all a's - i know i have an a in production planning, i'm pretty sure i got a's in dvp and sound design and i'm hoping i get one in creative writing. that would be sweet...
in a little over a week i'm starting non-linear editing, sound mixing, art history, and digital documentary. what what!
time for bed

mr. pibb + red vines = crazy delicious